Let's give this a try

  Longing, yearning, searching, listening Hearing, seeing, feeling, tasting, smelling Pulsating, tingling, vibrating, touching Stroking, sucking, licking, kissing Grinding, sliding, pausing, resuming Moaning, screaming, squeezing, pounding And cumming, cumming, cumming Smiling, massaging, kissing, holding Sleeping, dreaming, wishing, longing REPEAT

  Sudden onset. A fever Raging and coursing through my body A cure; the medicine A blank sheet of paper, a pen The words, seeping through my glands Coming through, awakening. I’m covered In ink and tears And then, a poem Exhaustion The toiled work from deep within my soul.  

  My lips want to move Not only to dance with yours But to speak about, sing about, yell about All that I feel, all that I see All that I am when you are with me.

  Today was a day in which I faced a fear of mine No, I didn’t hold a tarantula No bungee jumping or deep sea diving I didn’t ask that good-looking guy at the coffee shop for his number I didn’t look at my bank account I didn’t make it to that party or that new yoga class in an unfamiliar studio I had a bath I can’t remember the last time I had a bath A few weeks ago, amidst a panic attack, a dear friend suggested I take a bath, to help calm me Instead, I felt another rush of panic consume me But why? Why this fear? This aversion to soaking my tired and aching self in a tub of hot water, epsom salts and lavender oil? Because Then I have to spend time with myself…”gulp”…naked That’s right. I guess it hasn’t been a fear of the actual bath itself But a fear of facing myself Seeing myself, my body, and all that it is today All the lumps and bumps Dimples and pimples Those peaks and valleys The many scars, bruises and silver stretch marks The jiggly and wiggly bits But tonight, I took a...

I thought tonight there was an unravelling I see it for what it is now. As the knots, the noose Repositioning itself Around my neck, my wrists, my ankles Bound. No longer unbound All that work, all that energy Spent loosening, stripping away. Unbecoming All the lies and stories I told myself Flooding back in a flash Settling in. Burrowing deep Did those tears count? Those tears forced from my eyes From all the retching and weariness? I'm so sorry little baby bubble I want to cry for you I want to break down. I yearn for release As my womb continues to empty itself of the presence of you As I sift through the debris and search you out And find you As I hold you. Keep you Fold you into a napkin and store you away into an empty prescription bottle And there you sit, by the kitchen sink Waiting for me to decide the next move Waiting to be wrapped in love and apologies Waiting for the tears to fall And I pray in earnest, that you have reentered into the web T...

I wrote this letter while attending treatment for my Alcohol Use Disorder at Bellwood in Oct/Nov 2018. I am happy to report that I remain sober and active in Recovery to this day. My sober date is Oct.10, 2018. For anyone out there struggling with addiction, there really is hope and sanity once you are willing and ready. Love and Light. November 18, 2018 Dear Alcohol, Ive been without you for 38 days now. I know you're telling me, "So what? You've been without me for longer in the past! And you always come back to me!" I'm free enough, now, from your vice-like grip. My knuckles are no longer white and stiff from the sheer terror of holding on, afraid to be without you. There was once a time in my life where I was afraid to have too much of you. I respected your power and the toxicity you wielded over the human body and mind. I experienced several scattered incidents with you, where I lost myself in the blur and maze of your fermentation. And it felt wretch...

I'm at a point in my life...a crossroads really... Do I want to continue on, ignoring certain patterns and behaviours as if they don't exist or aren't "that bad". Or do I want to continue on this journey of Recovery, and continue to crack and rip myself wide open, exploring the many layers that have made up my life and the story I tell myself... Seems I'm choosing the latter. Digging deep on a daily basis. Feeling all the feels that I've been shunning or numbing. Reaching and striving for things that bring me joy and ignite and feed the fire deep within me. My inner light has been growing brighter. I feel her, I see her and my goodness, I love her. In recent months I have reconnected with pen and paper. Writing out my thoughts, my feelings, my shadow and my light. Being able to express myself in this way has been incredibly cleansing and freeing. Sharing my writing has become a new adventure for me as well. I've been quite apprehensive in the past ...