Relapse

I thought tonight there was an unravelling
I see it for what it is now. As the knots, the noose
Repositioning itself
Around my neck, my wrists, my ankles
Bound. No longer unbound
All that work, all that energy
Spent loosening, stripping away. Unbecoming
All the lies and stories I told myself
Flooding back in a flash
Settling in. Burrowing deep

Did those tears count?
Those tears forced from my eyes
From all the retching and weariness?
I'm so sorry little baby bubble
I want to cry for you
I want to break down. I yearn for release
As my womb continues to empty itself of the presence of you
As I sift through the debris and search you out
And find you
As I hold you. Keep you
Fold you into a napkin and store you away into an empty prescription bottle
And there you sit, by the kitchen sink
Waiting for me to decide the next move
Waiting to be wrapped in love and apologies
Waiting for the tears to fall

And I pray in earnest, that you have reentered into the web
That you see why I wasn't the one to bring you into this world
And that you see those that are waiting and wanting and loving on you so hard
And that your sweet, beautiful soul, graces those who are ready for your entry into this world
And they will hold you close, and love you and cry happy and thankful tears 
For they have been praying and manifesting and waiting so patiently for your arrival
I'm so excited for whoever you choose, and for you
And I will always love you and be grateful for you coming into my life

As I continue the process of letting you go with love and gratitude
I know it's time for me to get to work
There are some tightening knots, and that fucking noose
That I must continue to work on loosening.
I am bound. But I will continue my unbecoming
Becoming unbound. Unbound. Unbound.