Let's give this a try

  The flood of it Rushing into my body Hands shaking, wanting to run A knot in my stomach A large stone in my throat Quick breaths, short breaths Breaths being held Disorientated, distracted Separated from reality and the now Shame stares at me with its sly ugly grin “It has been a while since I’ve seen you, love. How have you been?” Anger steps in between us A deep fire from within the belly Quickly extinguished by guilt and tears Is this it? Do I let the faucet run on? Until I’m too tired to continue treading these salty waters? Is this when I drown? A ringing, trilling life preserve A true dear friend on the other end Pulling me back to shore with words of reassurance Back to reality, back to the now And just like that The kids are fighting The dog is at the door whining because someone has rung the doorbell Supper is burning And for some reason I’m holding onto a hairbrush Continue on strong woman, you got this

  I feel another expansion settling into my body, my heart, my soul Mondays like today, when the clouds lift into the higher sky, and I can see the far off mountains The water is calm, the waves gentle on this pebble beach There’s quiet, there’s peace In my surroundings, in my soul I have the ability to crouch down on the beach and sift through the tiny pebbles, the bits of broken shells Revelling in the texture moving at my fingertips The sounds as I sift, dig and admire There’s been a break in the weather A break and an opening deep inside of me Allowing in light and air And the ability to expand Continuation of growth

  A shift, a tremor, a crack opening So slowly and yet all at once You appear I hear you, I feel you Struggling to undo the knots in the ropes That have been pulled so tightly From years of fighting The noose around my neck The coils around my wrists I hear you whispering with sweet breath “It’s time Unbind, Unbind, Unbind Let go, love, and listen To the inner light that is you Listen, let her speak, trust her She is love, She is light and She will never leave you” All this dis-ease, the confusion, the questioning “Why am I not enough?” For him, for her, for them?   Finally seeing and feeling for the first time I AM ENOUGH And the knots are loosening The rope is unravelling My body, hear and soul unfurling, stretching opening, receiving No longer tethered to expectation or opinions of others This is ME. I am SHE Hear me fucking ROAR Unbound, unbound, unbound

  A slow leak Another damn nail in the tire Didn’t notice until last night And now the tire is completely flat That tire I’m talking about? It’s me Completely drained of air Air - my power. My drive. My self-worth Leaked slowly out of me over the last month And it took becoming completely deflated Before I could finally take notice So now, it’s once again, time to problem solve Do I continue to reinflate this punctured tire Day after day Or do I remove the tire, roll it over to my repair guy, and get the damn hole fixed

  “How did you ring in the New Year?” The question made me pause A warm, red blush, filled my cheeks “Sober” was my go-to answer One word with a lot of meaning and pride Describing all the turmoil, awakenings, beauty and darkness of the last year And although that is a correct answer It is not the whole “In orgasm”. “Sober, alone and cumming” That’s more like it Self-love at it’s finest, in the years finest hour While fireworks were being set off outside I experienced my own internal show People yelling and banging pots and pans While I muffled my own voice into my pillow And then I sat outside Listening to the continuing cacophony A trumpet trying pitifully to hit some high notes And I giggled, I smiled, and I felt A sense of pure contentment and gratitude Sober, alone, and happy

  I’m making roast beef tonight A huge chunk of beef is being popped into my oven tonight And now I have sex on my mind I never buy beef…to cook…on my own I don’t even know if this chunk of beef is meant to be the roasting kind And am I roasting beef if I’ve put it in the oven on “bake”? And what am I going to do with all this beef?! I want to invite you over for dinner Nothing formal…just needing assistance In consuming this roasted baked beef But I refuse to be the first to reach out I’m working on giving space like I promised Not offering my time and energy When it is not sought out And these onions are burning my eyes And now I’m crying into the potatoes And I miss you

  In him I saw I saw pieces of myself already present And areas screaming for release With him I smelt The fresh mountain air, The damp woods, and warm fresh bread. Around him I felt A thickness in the air An energy so solid, yet fluid, I could reach out and grab hold Put it in my mouth and drink it down By him I felt a stirring A deep part of my being That has been hibernating Hiding away from the cold and dark Eager to make a re-entrance into the light Near him I heard The deep vibrations of his voice Beautiful melodies and elaborate symphonies My own heart beat and breath Now escaping me, wanting to be curled up Inside his chest A push, a pull Spinning and leaping A choreographed dance waiting to be seen The audience; the stars, the moon And the darkness all around  

  Longing, yearning, searching, listening Hearing, seeing, feeling, tasting, smelling Pulsating, tingling, vibrating, touching Stroking, sucking, licking, kissing Grinding, sliding, pausing, resuming Moaning, screaming, squeezing, pounding And cumming, cumming, cumming Smiling, massaging, kissing, holding Sleeping, dreaming, wishing, longing REPEAT

  Sudden onset. A fever Raging and coursing through my body A cure; the medicine A blank sheet of paper, a pen The words, seeping through my glands Coming through, awakening. I’m covered In ink and tears And then, a poem Exhaustion The toiled work from deep within my soul.  

  My lips want to move Not only to dance with yours But to speak about, sing about, yell about All that I feel, all that I see All that I am when you are with me.

  Today was a day in which I faced a fear of mine No, I didn’t hold a tarantula No bungee jumping or deep sea diving I didn’t ask that good-looking guy at the coffee shop for his number I didn’t look at my bank account I didn’t make it to that party or that new yoga class in an unfamiliar studio I had a bath I can’t remember the last time I had a bath A few weeks ago, amidst a panic attack, a dear friend suggested I take a bath, to help calm me Instead, I felt another rush of panic consume me But why? Why this fear? This aversion to soaking my tired and aching self in a tub of hot water, epsom salts and lavender oil? Because Then I have to spend time with myself…”gulp”…naked That’s right. I guess it hasn’t been a fear of the actual bath itself But a fear of facing myself Seeing myself, my body, and all that it is today All the lumps and bumps Dimples and pimples Those peaks and valleys The many scars, bruises and silver stretch marks The jiggly and wiggly bits But tonight, I took a...

I thought tonight there was an unravelling I see it for what it is now. As the knots, the noose Repositioning itself Around my neck, my wrists, my ankles Bound. No longer unbound All that work, all that energy Spent loosening, stripping away. Unbecoming All the lies and stories I told myself Flooding back in a flash Settling in. Burrowing deep Did those tears count? Those tears forced from my eyes From all the retching and weariness? I'm so sorry little baby bubble I want to cry for you I want to break down. I yearn for release As my womb continues to empty itself of the presence of you As I sift through the debris and search you out And find you As I hold you. Keep you Fold you into a napkin and store you away into an empty prescription bottle And there you sit, by the kitchen sink Waiting for me to decide the next move Waiting to be wrapped in love and apologies Waiting for the tears to fall And I pray in earnest, that you have reentered into the web T...

I wrote this letter while attending treatment for my Alcohol Use Disorder at Bellwood in Oct/Nov 2018. I am happy to report that I remain sober and active in Recovery to this day. My sober date is Oct.10, 2018. For anyone out there struggling with addiction, there really is hope and sanity once you are willing and ready. Love and Light. November 18, 2018 Dear Alcohol, Ive been without you for 38 days now. I know you're telling me, "So what? You've been without me for longer in the past! And you always come back to me!" I'm free enough, now, from your vice-like grip. My knuckles are no longer white and stiff from the sheer terror of holding on, afraid to be without you. There was once a time in my life where I was afraid to have too much of you. I respected your power and the toxicity you wielded over the human body and mind. I experienced several scattered incidents with you, where I lost myself in the blur and maze of your fermentation. And it felt wretch...

I'm at a point in my life...a crossroads really... Do I want to continue on, ignoring certain patterns and behaviours as if they don't exist or aren't "that bad". Or do I want to continue on this journey of Recovery, and continue to crack and rip myself wide open, exploring the many layers that have made up my life and the story I tell myself... Seems I'm choosing the latter. Digging deep on a daily basis. Feeling all the feels that I've been shunning or numbing. Reaching and striving for things that bring me joy and ignite and feed the fire deep within me. My inner light has been growing brighter. I feel her, I see her and my goodness, I love her. In recent months I have reconnected with pen and paper. Writing out my thoughts, my feelings, my shadow and my light. Being able to express myself in this way has been incredibly cleansing and freeing. Sharing my writing has become a new adventure for me as well. I've been quite apprehensive in the past ...